The woman entered my office uninvited. Maggie was sick at home or she would have sent her on her way. But then again, I got the feeling even Maggie couldn’t have refused this woman.
She had a look of determination in her icy-blue eyes. Her short, ash-blonde hair was swept up to the side stylishly, and she carried an oversized bag with her.
Immediately, I recognized what she was. I’d seen enough of her kind in my time.
A pharmaceutical rep.
“Doctor Balm,” she said, reaching out her hand. I took it and gave it a polite shake. “I’m Lisa from Rendexx Pharmaceuticals. We’ve been trying to reach you by telephone but never quite managed to connect.”
Probably because my secretary has been doing her job, I thought to myself. She always screened those sorts of calls. I had no interest in being a shill for a drug company.
“My apologies,” I said. “What can I do for you?”
She set her large black bag on the reception counter next to where we were standing and began to pull out sample packets and brochures. The phone began to ring loudly at the desk. I wanted to answer it but the woman had already begun her pitch.
“Well, that’s just it, Doctor Balm. It’s not about what you can do for us, but what we can do for your patients.”
Here we go, I thought.
She opened up a brochure and began to show me details from inside its glossy pages, speaking persuasively enough that I listened instead of immediately sending her on her way, as I usually did. She was an extremely good saleswoman.
“Our newest drug, Smilatrex, has just been accepted for approval by the FDA. It’s an absolute game-changer. Effective for depression, anxiety, even thoughts of self harm can be allayed by its formula. This is the next generation we’re talking about. This drug, by itself, is going to completely replace SSRIs and benzos in the next few years. All the benefits without the harmful side effects and dependencies. Not only that, but instead of taking months to begin working, as is the case with most SSRIs, Smilatrex begins its effects almost immediately.”
“Those are some very bold claims.”
“So, you can see why we’ve been trying so hard to reach you, to talk to you about it,” she said with an undeterred smile.
I picked up one of the sample boxes and examined it. The packaging looked like any other drug - a pale purple colour with yellow butterflies all over it - the company’s brand name stamped upon it in bold letters.
“Rendexx Pharmaceuticals? How come I’ve never heard of you guys?”
“We’re a German company. New to North America. But we’re going to make a big splash in the western markets. I’d tell you to start investing now but I’m sure you don’t play the stock market.”
“No, I don’t. And I don’t usually speak to pharmaceutical reps either, if I'm being entirely honest. But if even half your claims are true...."
"They're all true," she replied, her teeth fixed firmly in that unstoppable grin.
"Leave the sample packets. I'll do some research and think about it. How’s that?”
She stuck out her hand for another shake and I took it reluctantly.
“That’s all I can ask for, Doctor. I won’t take up anymore of your time, I’m sure you’re very busy.”
Packing up her bag, she thanked me and left, the broad smile still plastered on her face. It was disarming, and I couldn’t help but smile back at her as she walked out, saying goodbye.
I vowed to do some research on my own before giving out the sample packages to anyone, so that night I took a box home with a brochure and decided I would do a few hours of reading, trying to find out what exactly the benefits and side effects of Smilatrex would be.
Don’t ask what got into my head. Why I ended up taking the pills, especially when I didn’t even know the first thing about the company or the product.
I wouldn't say I'm depressed, per say. But I've slipped into a bit of a rut since my father died a couple years back. Every day feels the same. The old pleasures of life don't bring the same enjoyment. People who know me well say I don’t laugh or joke around as much as I used to. I wasn't pining for happiness - I was just curious. Still, I should have known better than to try an untested drug given to me by some stranger.
Websites can be faked. They can be easily thrown up and plastered with images and information that is utterly false and misleading. It takes time for those sorts of websites to get taken down.
And all it took was a visit to three or four of those fake websites provided by the "pharmaceutical rep," conjured up to look real, and I was impressed. On the Smilatrex company website was a promotional video, I remember that much. But I don’t remember what happened in it or why I felt so persuaded after watching it. But suddenly I wanted to try the drug for myself, to feel its amazing benefits.
For some reason I’ll never understand, I took out the sample packet, right after watching the video on the Smilatrex company website. I examined the little round pill and saw there was a symbol etched on it that looked druidic and evil. Swallowing the pill dry, I couldn’t help but wonder why I had done that.
My phone began to ring and I picked it up to hear Maggie, my secretary on the other end.
I blinked my eyes and saw it was morning outside, and yet I had no memory of falling asleep, or of anything after taking the pill.
“Hello, Doctor Balm.”
“Oh, hi, Maggie," I said, smiling wide at the sound of her voice. "How are you feeling? I hope you’re doing a bit better.
“I’m feeling much better, actually. I’ll be back in today.”
“That’s great news! The place isn't the same without you!"
She paused.
"Are you okay, Doctor Balm? You sound…. Different."
“I’m great, Maggie! Actually, I feel better than ever. I had the best night’s sleep of my life last night. I don’t remember a thing!”
“Oh… Okay, I guess that’s good. Well, I’ll see you at the clinic in an hour or so.”
“Sounds perfect! Thanks, Maggie.”
She hung up and I got out of bed to get myself ready for work. There was a full slate of appointments booked for the morning, but the afternoon was mostly left open for walk-ins and emergencies. It would be nice to have Maggie back in, since she took a bit of the weight off my shoulders. Her job was to check patients in, take their weights and vital signs, as well as faxing paperwork and answering phones. It was hard to do it all by myself, especially since our fax machine was about a decade old and malfunctioned regularly. Maggie knew how to tame the ancient beast, though.
As I brushed my teeth, I couldn’t help but think how long it had been since I had felt so good! Sure, the lapse in memory was slightly alarming, but as I looked at my face in the mirror I couldn’t help but grin wider, thinking about how nice it felt just to be alive! My skin was tingling with anticipation for the day and for the things it held in store. It felt like wonderful little bugs crawling all over me, burrowing into my flesh. How DELIGHTFUL!
When I arrived at work, my cheeks were beginning to hurt from smiling so much. It was like I couldn’t stop. No, not that. Really, I didn’t want to. The world was just so bright and blue and wonderful. It made me want to laugh with joy.
And so I did. Then after that I began to giggle.
As I entered my office and said good morning to Maggie, I broke into a titter, then a full-blown belly laugh.
“What’s so funny, Doctor Balm?” she asked nervously.
I couldn’t even answer her. I just went into my office and hung up my coat, then sat down in front of my computer, slapping my knee and guffawing. Tears were streaming down my face as I continued chuckling all the way up until my first appointment.
The patient could be heard coming into the waiting room and I held my hands to my mouth like a child in church to keep the laughter in. I listened as Maggie checked the man in and took his weight on the old rickety scale. As she brought him into the exam room, I tried to suppress my laughter, which was self-sustaining at this point. No matter how much I tried to think of sad things to stop myself from giggling, it continued.
I was vaguely beginning to get worried that I couldn’t stop it.
Finally I managed to focus and get it under control. Breathing deeply, I stood up and started walking into the room where the patient was waiting for me. I pushed open the door and entered, saying good morning to the man who was sitting on the steel examination table wearing nothing but his underwear. He was very, very hairy.
Sitting down, I looked at the laptop screen and brought up his appointment information.
Patient name: Harold “Harry” Ball
Age: 69
I thought about this for a moment before bursting into laughter again. The man held his arms over his naked chest, as it flushed red to match his face. For a few moments he looked embarrassed, but then that expression changed to one of worry.
“Dr. Balm, are you alright?”
For some reason I couldn’t stop laughing to answer him. He walked out of the appointment and said he wouldn’t come back - that there was something wrong with me.
The rest of the day I couldn’t stop laughing. Even after Maggie left. She quit after I refused to speak with her rationally, saying that when I got my wits together I should call her to talk. And to apologize.
I shut down the office and for the rest of the week the laughter continued. Then for week after week after that, until I couldn’t even leave my bedroom, the pain in my diaphragm was so excruciating, the growing wounds on my face so terrifying to passersby.
It got worse and worse.
Have you ever gotten the giggles so bad that your face starts to hurt?
Imagine getting the giggles for a month. Being unable to stop laughing for an entire four week period. And it still isn’t letting up. I still can’t stop smiling, no matter how hard I try.
My face hurts so badly I want to scream, but I can’t do anything but continue chuckling like a broken Elmo toy. They had to admit me to a hospital, as my face began to split and crack around my mouth and eyes, bleeding wounds growing from the laugh lines which turned into weeping sores.
Who knows when this will stop? When it will finally be out of my system is anyone’s guess. The company’s videos certainly aren’t any help, now that they’ve been wiped from the internet, vanished as if they never even existed. I just hope that I can be free of this toxic shit one day soon.
So, let this be a warning to any doctors out there:
If you see Lisa from Rendexx Pharmaceuticals enter your office, don’t take the sample boxes. Don’t watch the videos or read the brochures. Who knows what page or what image it is that will flip the switch in your mind and make you want to take the little pill she offers, grinning and promising happiness.
I guarantee you - it isn’t worth it.
----
Comments