I’d become more and more introverted as my high school years bloomed into college years. I had four or so very close friends that I talked to on a regular basis and as far as I was concerned, the rest could shove it.
Now, I hadn’t always been this way. At a time, I was maybe sixteen or seventeen, I chased after people that didn’t want me. Males in particular. As my attitude surrounding friendship, sex, and relationships all hardened, some took it as my attempt to be ‘mysterious’ or ‘play hard to get’.
Wrong.
I was just uninterested. However, some people can’t take a hint. I had been head over heels for a football player my junior year of high school. Let’s call him Ray. Ray was only one year my senior, but acted as though he had a messiah complex and I was supposed to worship with no intent to reciprocate. I’m ashamed that I ever played that game. I was approaching my sophomore year in college and Ray decided he finally thought I was worth something. I’d get texts at least every week. “Hey.” over and over and over. Never did I ever give a response. That’s when he decided to amp up his pursuit. I got the mail one afternoon and noticed a handwritten letter.
“Jennifer, I wanted to know…Are you okay? If you are, give me a sign. - Ray”
That was well and good until I started to see him driving past my house multiple times. The texts didn’t stop. My family wasn’t known for being the most diligent with locking the doors. I took it upon myself to make sure the lock was sufficiently set before I went to bed.
About two weeks later, I stumbled downstairs after a late night at about one in the afternoon. Checking the mail was my usual responsibility, so I figured that the first thing I do after a few hours of gluttony and laziness should be productive. The mail should have come at this point, but there was one single handwritten note. In the chicken scratch characteristic of Ray’s handwriting, it stated “Let me IN”. He wanted his command to be unavoidable. He was stealing my mail now, thinking it would get his point across more clearly? I dismissed it as pathetic, but not inherently threatening…yet.
I often take walks at night, as it’s a nice way to spend quality time with myself. This night, I decided to return to my house through the garage. As I keyed in the code to open the door, there was a less-than-euphonic sound coming from what I think was the opposite side of my house. It resembled the sound of metal against asphalt and it was gone just as suddenly. My neighborhood was relatively quiet, but maybe somebody was fixing up their house.
I pressed ‘Enter’ and my garage opened; I hit the button that would close the metal monstrosity of a door and made a beeline for my front door to check the lock, slamming the door leading to the garage behind me. Safe I thought to myself. I brushed my teeth, washed my face. My reflection in the mirror was one of someone so…over it. My eyes revealed my exhaustion, merely grey orbs above distinctly bruise-like circles. Why would anyone chase me?
Upstairs, I began winding down, playing music as I always did. As “Day One” by The Life and Times filled my room with its disturbing beauty, I laid down.
When you sleep
I will watch you.
In your dreams
You may love me.
My heavy eyelids delayed themselves just long enough to see the light from my bedside lamp reflect off of a long, thin metal object in my closet. I’d been waiting. I didn’t watch the garage door close completely before I walked through the door to my house. I gave him his shot. I let him in. I pushed aside the heavy wooden door of my closet to see a very conflicted and scared looking Ray.
“What the fuck are you doing in my house with a fucking bat?”
“J..Jennifer I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m leaving right now.”
“What were your plans with that bat?”
I tried to sound as nonchalant as I possibly could with a guy that had well over 50 pounds and six inches on me. He remained silent. “Are you the one that’s not okay, Ray?” With that, the folding knife I’d been keeping under my pillow allowed me to draw a clean line across his throat. With every entrance the blade made, it became clear how tempting the power that you have over people that desire you is.
Could I still be an introvert if I loved this company on this night? If it seemed like revenge for every fucking piece of unwanted contact I’d gotten over the past few years? I relished the vibrant crimson scattered across my face and nightshirt. Maybe I’m ready to let people in.
Every morning, I get to wake up and see my Ray of sunshine beaming from my closet. Maybe not before, but now…I know that I’m okay.
—
Credits to: JBL95
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