I’ve always known I’m bad. Mama and Papa try to be good to me, but I always make them mad. It always scares me when they get mad, and I don’t like how it hurts, but the worst part is how sad they look when its over. When they tell me how disappointed they are. How they wish I would stop making them do this. If I could only be smarter and better like my older brother, Thomas. Or at the least, learn to listen and stay out of the way.
I really do try, but it never works. I always mess up something.
We’ve always lived in the great white house since I can remember. It had belonged to our grandparents before they died, and Thomas says that it was really nice back then. It seems nice enough to me now, but Thomas tells me it’s a dump. That it started rotting the moment I was born. He says stuff like that to me all the time, but not around Mama and Papa. Around them he’s always so bright and sweet. I’ve learned to try and avoid being alone with Thomas, but it never works out that way. He’s so much bigger and stronger and smarter than I am, and he likes it too much. When he hurts me, he never looks sad. He just grins and grins.
There is a big field behind our house. I think at one time my grandparents farmed it, but now it’s just mainly rocks and weeds. I’ll slip away to the field when no one notices, which is often enough, and I like playing by myself anyway. I figure if they forget about me, maybe I won’t make them so mad and sad anymore.
But one day when I stepped into the back yard, I saw the field was different. There was an extra house back there, just like ours. Well, not just like ours. It was bright white and clean, with neatly trimmed hedges and beautiful flowers lining the walk up to the front porch. There were no vines growing over the columns, and all the shutters looked like they had been painted and hung just right. I felt my heart flutter happily at the sight of it, but I also knew I must be in a dream. Not wanting it to end yet, I walked up the path and to the front door.
It really was amazing. Everything was the same, but not the same at all. The wood of the door almost glowed with some kind of varnish or lacquer, and I finally got to see the large brass doorknocker that had been gone from our front door for as long as I could remember. The thought of our house made me look back, and I half expected my house to be gone. But it still sat there, faded and gray, looking worn out and shabby next to this miracle.
Still, I felt my stomach starting to rumble with worry at the strangeness of all this. I pinched myself, thinking it might wake me up, but nothing happened. This was all too real and too clear. It wasn’t a dream after all, and that scared me a little. I started backing back down the porch steps when the front door suddenly opened.
It was Mama, except it wasn’t. This woman looked twenty years younger, with none of the deep lines or yellowed skin that set Mama’s face into a permanent, weary scowl. This woman was beautiful, and she was smiling at me. Telling me to come in, come in, they had been waiting for me. Her voice sounded like music, and despite my earlier fear, I found myself following her inside.
My heart leapt at what I saw there. Papa, a younger, kinder-eyed Papa, was coming down the stairs and sweeping me up in a hug before I could react. My first impulse was to freeze, hoping that by being still and quiet, I wouldn’t do anything to make them upset. But then I heard him laughing as he danced around with me, and I realized he wasn’t holding me roughly at all. And there was Thomas, looking at me like he was really happy to see me, not just wearing a fake face until we were alone and he could give me that sly, awful grin. And the room he was coming from wasn’t dark and filled with junk and trash. It, and the entire house, was filled with good smells and light.
And love.
That was the thing that struck me the most. I could feel the love radiating from this other version of my family. It seemed to touch everything like some kind of warmth, and I could feel it seeping into my skin as they hugged me and led me into the living room. They sat me down and took turns talking, telling me how happy they were to see me, how glad they were that I had come. That’s when I heard the floor creak behind me. I turned around to find a girl that looked like me standing there.
I felt another moment of panic at the strangeness of it all, but then she was around the sofa and on me, hugging me tightly as she laughed. She whispered in my ear that this was the best day ever now, and that we would be just like sisters, forever and ever. I knew I was crying, but it was only because my heart was so full and happy.
It was hard when I had to leave and go back to my old house that afternoon. I didn’t want to go, but the new Papa said I had to for now. That I had to keep them and that house a secret until I could stay with them for good. I asked how long it would be, and he said not long at all. In the meantime, the new Mama said, I should come and stay every day as long as I wanted, just so long as I made it back to my old house before I’d be missed.
The next three days were both wonderful and terrible. I’d start the day scared the extra house would be gone and then excited when I saw it out my window. I’d end the day sad I had to leave them and anxious for the next day to come. It also was getting harder and harder to understand why my old family treated me like they did. I knew I wasn’t smart and pretty and good like the other me, but my new family still seemed to love me a lot and treated me wonderfully. Why couldn’t my old family be like that?
Maybe that’s why I acted pert with Papa one morning.
He had hit me for being slow to the table, calling me a stupid, dirty little thing. Normally I would have just lowered my head and sat down quietly, hoping to make myself small enough and quiet enough that he would forget me. But this time I looked up at him. I asked why he treated me like that. That he ought not to do that.
I knew it was a mistake as soon as the words left my lips. His eyes blazed to life as his grabbed for me, and I only barely stumbled out of his reach. Mama had overheard and was heading for me too, but I was quick and headed for the back door. I could hear them yelling behind me, telling me to come back or it would be worse, but I knew better than to stop. I hit the yard with my belly aching, a sour mixture growing there of sadness and fear and the terrible sureness that my new house would finally be gone.
But it was there, and what’s more, my new family was already coming down from the porch to meet me. I ran to my new Papa, feeling a surge of relief and gratitude when I reached his legs and felt his comforting hand patting my shoulder. When I looked back, I saw that my old Mama and Papa were in the back yard now, but they had slowed to a stop. They were looking at me, but they seemed to finally be able to see my new family and the extra house too.
They looked terrified.
“Baby, baby girl….Oh God, what is that? What are those….come away from that thing…” My old Papa’s voice was high and shrill, and his eyes were rolling in his head like a scared cow.
“Shit, Milly, get….fuck, how does it move like…come here now…” Old Mama was shielding her eyes now like she was looking into the sun, and after another moment they were both backing away. Old Thomas had started to come outside at the commotion, but before he could reach the yard, Old Mama and Papa were running back inside with him in tow.
My new Papa looked down at me with a smile. “Don’t you worry about them, Milly. You go on in the house. Me and your mama are going to go sort them out.” He tapped me lightly on the nose and started walking toward the old house with my new Mama even as my new brother and sister took my hands and led me inside my new home. They were laughing and hugging me, saying I could finally stay with them forever.
That night was the happiest I’ve ever been. Mama and Papa came back a bit later and we had a big party. They said it was to celebrate me coming to stay. We played games and ate good food and nobody got mad or got hurt. It was after midnight when we finally went to bed, and I found out I got to have my own room right next to my new sister’s.
Just like the rest of the house, it was like something out of a dream. The walls were painted with jungles and animals, and the ceiling looked like a beautiful night sky filled with stars. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to sleep, but my new bed was so warm and soft, it wasn’t long before I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.
When I woke up, it was still dark, but I could see a little from the moonlight coming in through the window. My new family was around me, kneeling down along the sides of my bed. I didn’t understand why at first, and wondered if it was some new funny game. Then I realized their mouths were on my legs and arms. They were biting me a little. It didn’t hurt, but I still felt a bolt of fear that caused me to sit up and let out a small scream.
They all stopped and looked at me, their eyes shiny and their mouths glistening in the silvery light. Mama patted my arm comfortingly.
“It’s all right, honey. We’re not going to hurt you. We love you.”
My new sister giggled. “We just need a little bit from you so we can stay. So we can all be together always.”
Papa nodded in agreement before looking at me. “Isn’t that what you want, sweetheart? To stay with us forever?”
I was already nodding as he finished asking the question, and within seconds of laying back down, I was somehow back asleep.
The next morning I looked out at my old house and saw it looked different. Instead of just looking worn down, it looked like it was rotting or drying up somehow, like an old apple left out in the sun. By the third day it had started to collapse in on itself, and within a week it had blown away like forgotten autumn leaves.
I love my new life here. Sometimes I get very tired, and lately I feel almost like…I’m stretched thin. But that’s okay. It’s only some of the time, and it’s a small price to pay to help my new family. I love them so much.
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