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The Worst Wish


Immortality...what the hell was I thinking?! What an idiotic wish!

I'd read enough stories to know that genies weren't like the blue guy Robin William's played in Aladdin. They were tricksters, ready to make your wish backfire on you at any moment, eager to delight themselves at the expense of your hubris. So when the dark Arab man with fire in his eyes, smiling darkly through the tangle of his beard, offered me the desires of my heart, I was understandably hesitant.

"How do I know you'll actually do what I ask? How do I know you even can, and aren't just some prankster?" He chuckled deeply at this, then began to draw things out of thin air: a bottle of my favorite cola, a burger with all my favorite fixings, and, most impressively, the exact jacket I had been thinking of adding to my Christmas list earlier that day. I accepted them all in stunned silence.

"Believest thou now?" His grin widened. His teeth were sharp. "The scope of thy desire matters not. I am mightily endowed to fulfill even thy darkest dream."

I believed, all right. But I was cautious. Immortality immediately sprang to mind, but I could easily think of quite a few ways he could screw me over. I didn't want to end up as a bunch of undying body parts spread across the planet, or some ancient decrepit thing unable to walk or talk or die.

I thought and thought, until I felt like I had covered all bases. Then I spoke my wish, choosing each word carefully, trying to avoid loopholes and double meanings.

"I wish to be all of the following: immortal, invulnerable, eternally fit and healthy, and able to, at any time, summon you to wish myself back to normal."

Looking back, I can't believe how stupid I was. Lawyers write up contracts that look like novels, and people still manage to find loopholes. The sheer arrogance, to think I could, in one sentence, outsmart an ancient, otherworldly being. I knew I'd made a mistake the moment the words left my mouth, and the peals of demonic laughter that poured from the creature as he snapped his fingers cemented it for me.

It didn't take me long to figure out exactly how he'd screwed me. You see, invulnerable meant I was incapable of being dismembered. And that mean that the natural bodily process of eliminating old cells for new no longer applied to me. Still, the new cells kept coming. I kept growing. And I felt every bit of it.

Back when my vocal chords still made coherent noise, I tried summoning the genie to unwish it all. He didn't bother to hide his glee when he told me I could wish to be normal all I wanted, but he didn't have to grant it.

I'm already bigger than Jupiter. I can feel the full heat of the Sun pressing into my back. And it'll never stop.

Pain forevermore.

---
Credits

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