Pasta Player: A Game I Thought I Was Done With

If you look on the internet, you'll find a massive amount of people claiming to have seen weird stuff in San Andreas. Bigfoot, Leatherface, UFO's, ghosts, you name it.

By the time I heard about these "myths", I decided to start playing the game again. I searched, searched, searched, and searched until I couldn't take it anymore. Then I searched some more. Nothing.

Somehow I knew from the start that I wouldn't be able to find anything; it was all bullshit. In disappointment and frustration, I stopped playing the game.

A couple of weeks after, I felt the need to start playing again. After driving around for a couple of hours, I asked myself: "Why is the number 69 everywhere in this game?" It wasn't really something I had thought of before. I looked it up on the internet, and everyone saw it as some kind of joke, put in by the developers as a sex reference.

But for me it was something more than that; I became obsessed with the number. I looked EVERYWHERE, and found the locations of all the 69s in the game. Every last one of them. I marked them on maps, drew lines, made connections. I came up with some very strange facts. For example, in the Lil' Probe Inn, there are pictures of UFO's. Nothing strange about that, right? Guess how many of them there were. 69. SIXTY NINE. There was also something off with the amount of 69's in the game. You guessed right; there are 69 instances of 69 in the game.

Isn't that just a little too perfect for just being a sex joke, I asked myself, over and over to the screen. At this point I felt like I was talking to myself. I was trying to convince myself that the number was evil. That was the last thing I remembered before I fell asleep. I think I had been up for far more than 30 hours.

After sleeping very uncomfortably in my chair for about 20 hours, I was awakened by the wind slamming my window shut. For a while I was very confused about why I wasn't sleeping in my bed. Then it all came back; 69! I instantly felt the need to continue the search. I turned on the computer, which I had managed to turn off in my sleep. While the computer loaded up, I took a look at the clock which had just turned 18:09. The fact that I had slept for over 20 hours irritated me.

Logging into Windows, I started going through the stuff that I had been writing down before I had fallen asleep. Something wasn't right. The map I had used to draw lines between the 69's was much more complex than before. It now had many, many more lines. Lines that resembled weird symbols, crossing into each other, forming some sort of crude circle, which I was sure I had seen before. There was also a location marked with red on the map. Could I have done all this extra work in my sleep, or did the file... change itself? I didn't want to think about it, instead, I started up San Andreas.


The next day, I uninstalled the game.

Pasta Player: Maze Of Terror

Being chased around all day long for no apparent reason by four strangers isn't fun. It really hurts. It's like I'm in a maze, but not any ordinary maze. It's a prison, an endless prison where I'm forced to eat the same food every day. Nothing but just that one food that they put all over the place in some sort of pattern.

The strangers chase me around all day long, and I'm forced to run away from them. But they have tactics and they know my weaknesses and common places to go. I'm trying to get past them one day, catch them offguard and sneak out. But I don't know if there is a way out of here.

But I know their weakness. There's a specific food that's bigger than my original snack I have, and when I catch it, I seem to get...strong. I can overpower these guys with no problem, forcing them to retreat to a base in the middle of the maze, where they stay behind until they are brave enough to come back and chase me down. My super-snack barely lasts twenty seconds, and it mysteriously slows my mortal enemies down. What is going on?

Occasionally, I get fed with a random fruit which is always found in the same place every day. But it only stays there for a few minutes before randomly disappearing. It keeps me full for a day, so I have to keep my eye on that spot.

The worst part is when these guys capture me. Everytime someone gets me, they beat me to a pulp and I die, but I miraculously revive seconds later. Ironically, in the exact same place every single time, where my fruit is. I've been trapped for eternity in a maze of death, never to escape.

So why the hell do people just stare at me for hours and complain when I die? Why won't they bust me out of here? I'm always everywhere, in people's computers, in arcades, in nearly every place in the world. But they don't save me. They watch me for hours on end.

Damn you guys!


Oh, how rude of me. I forgot to give my name, didn't I?

Pasta Player: Haunted DOS

Most nostalgic gamers look back on Microsoft DOS with memories of simplistic times, playing Duke Nukem and Doom all day long. I have a different perspective on the whole DOS memory. When I was younger, I was scarred for life after playing the classic DOS game, BLOOD by MONOLITH. When I bought the game, I popped the diskette in my computer and ran it in DOS.

I got a used copy, but when I started I realized that the menu was a bit different than my friend's copy. In the background there was supposed to be a playthrough of episode 1 level 1, but instead there was a picture of man stabbed to death, you might expect this from a game with the name "BLOOD" but this wasn't even pixelated like the graphics processor, it was like looking into a mirror. The face was realistic with full color and high quality.

At that moment I tried pressing QUIT on the main menu, but I was stuck on NEW GAME. I was forced to press enter. I was given four chapters, but the names were corrupted as if I had a scratched diskette. I chose the first one on the list. I was given an ear piercing scream as I pressed enter. For a split second I got a picture of the game's protagonist, Caleb.

DOS then decided to crash on me. I took the diskette out of my computer and decided to find the person who sold me this to ask for a refund. From the return address on the package the diskette was in and went to the house, it was a three hour drive from my house but I finally made it. When I rang on the door bell I got no answer. I rang and knocked for around ten minutes until I finally looked into the window. The windows were tinted from the outside but I took my lighter and melted the tint off.

I could make out a dead corpse with a pitch fork jabbed into the chest and the entrails were lined up in the word "BURN" in the corner of my eye I saw something that looked like the protagonist of BLOOD running toward me with a winchester. I hopped the house's porch railing and got into my car. The Caleb impostor shot out the front windshield as I drove into the road.

I skidded in a 180 turn and rammed the Caleb impostor into the house. I got out of the car to see if he was dead. He wasn't, there was a trail of blood that lead into the house. I got the switchblade from my car and broke down the front door. He was in the room that the original owner of the game was killed so I ran at him and stabbed him, my knife pinned him to the wall as his face turned pale. As soon as I got home from the murder victim's house I snapped the diskette in half and threw it into my fire place, never to be haunted by that game again...

Pasta Player: Dead Space

So, this all started on November 25, 2011. I was at Game Stop browsing their selection of used games. I didn't have much money, and wanted to spend it on Sonic Generations. But when I got there, they were sold out completely. I decided to take a look at Xbox games quickly before leaving. While searching, I came across a strange game case. It was Dead Space, but the case looked off. "Off" as in, it looked like it's coloring was done by a four year old. Since I really enjoyed the second game, I decided what the hell.
When I got home I instantly put the disc in my Xbox. The startup screen was totally normal, creepy noises, etc.

I selected new game. The first cut seen was of you in this ship. you listen to the message from Nicole, then Kendra says stuff, shit happens. It looked like dead space. When i finally got in the ship, I figured that the infestation hasn't happened yet. Because when we crashed, there where people. Normal people everywhere they asked use if we were alright after the crash (the ship crashes into the ship). We said we were OK, then they told us that the ship was horrendously fucked up. YES, finally some zombie action I thought. Then they took us through the ship (called the Ishimura) until we got to the antenna thingy. Once again, people. By now I'm like: WTF, wheres all the zombies, and blood, and stuff? I went and repaired the antenna. Then they said some stuff about the marker. I was like FINALLY! Then they took us to the cargo bay. On the way we passed all kinds of things. We passed a nursery, a hospital, and a pet store. There were even kittens in the glass things to show off the animals. When we got there I almost couldn't take it. The cargo bay WASN'T filled with blood or bodies. Everything looked like it probably should have. I was like WTF, WHERES MY FUCKING ZOMBIES?!?!?!

They showed us the marker, and we returned to our ship. Then the credits rolled. I finished the game with a total time of forty five minutes. My jaw dropped. WTF was that, that can't be the real game! I tried again. This time, when I started, I Immediately spawned in front of the pet store. The kittens and now puppies where all giving me adorable looks. I couldn't take it. I ripped my Xbox out of the wall, and jumped out the window to my death. And I'm gay as fuck because there are no zombies in Dead Space, they're Necromorphs utter fucking retard.

Pasta Player: Cooking Mama

I was looking for games for my DS. One game that was in my mind was Cooking Mama. I played the original version a few years back, but however my little sister (a baby at the time) flushed my copy down the toilet. So, I decided to buy it again.

I went to the local game shop and found the shelf with Cooking Mama copies on it. They were £19.99 each. However, at the bottom left corner was a strange copy without the original cover on it, just "COOKING MAMA" in large blue pen. It was only £2.00 and was marked simply as "Used". I wanted to get the new £19.99 one, but curiosity got the best of me. So I picked up the £2 copy and went to the cashier.
"You really don't want that," he said to me.

I thought he was just playing a prank on me or he just didn't like Cooking Mama or something, so I ignored him and bought it anyway.

I got home, got my DS and put the cartridge in it. One thing I noticed about the cartridge is that it didn't have any label on it at all and it had heavy scratches on it. But anyway, I fired up the DS. It didn't recognise the cartridge. I expected that anyway. So just when I was going to turn the DS off, the screens faded to white. I didn't think this could happen. It showed the splash screens from Cooking Mama 1. Then came the actual game. Instead of the clean, cartoon kitchen and the happy music, it was an abandoned kitchen with rusty cutlery, set at night. It was windy.

The windows were smashed. It looked like it was from real life. The music was some out of tune, deep music. I could almost swear I heard some screaming in the distance. Then, on the top screen, was the ceiling. It was torn and showed just sky above. The name came up on the screen. "COOKING MAMA". It looked like it was carved on the wall with long nails. I tried everything I could to turn the game off. Flicking the switch loads, whacking the console on the floor, taking the cartridge out, but no avail, so I just had to continue to play.

When I touched the touch screen, it went straight to the recipe menu. The background was pitch black. There was just one recipe; it was called "You". The small thumbnail was a crying human head that looked just like me. I was so scared at this point. The top screen was Mama, only covered with blood, skin ripped off and the expression she does when you get a bronze medal. I clicked the recipe. It went straight to what I had to do. I had to use a chainsaw to chop what looked like my head off, while "I" was still living. It all looked so realistic. I got the saw out and just did what I had to do. I chopped my own head off. (The head that looks like my one). I could see me screaming in horror as I sliced my neck. Genuine tears were coming out of my eyes, both in real life and ingame. I was vomiting both in real life and ingame too, so the real me and virtual me had a lot in common. Once my head had come off, I heard the bronze medal sound, and I saw Mama on the top screen looking very angry. She said "YOU WILL DIE. ENJOY YOUR HORRIBLE DEATH, " in a demonic voice. She knew my name. A game knew my name. I was petrified.

Next, I had to pluck the eyes out of my head. I shoved my hand into my eye and pulled it out. The eye socket appeared and lots of blood came out of the eye hole. The same happened for the other eye. And it looked so realistic. The out of tune music from the title was playing again. Then Mama said, in a whispering voice:

"Evil is within."

That must have been one of the scariest things of my life. Next, I had to "dispose of the head". I had to pick up my no eyed head and put it in a sack. It was horrible. Then I realised something. Why did I take the eyes out if I had to dispose of the head afterwards? That was strange. But there were all the other things in my mind.

There were some small steps, involving horrible, gruesome things, such as taking my bones out. Then came another step. "PULL THE ORGANS OUT". I had to pull my organs out? No.. no... it couldn't be. A dirty hand went inside my bloody, pale, cut open, decapitated corpse. I found my heart, my stomach, my lungs, my kidneys and all the other organs. It was probably the most disgusting thing of all the disgusting things I had done. In real life, I was just frozen, with vomit all over my lap and my DS. I was as white as milk, and crying so much.

The next step was the pentiultimate step. "COOK THE BODY". It showed my multilated corpse shoved into an oven, and I had to turn it on and cook myself. I turned it on, and waited what was about 20 minutes, but seemed like years. Suddenly, there was a "ting" sound, and I was sent to the final step.

The next step was "DECORATE THE BODY". I had lots of stuff like cream and ketchup and fruits. That was the only colourful thing on that game. I had to cover my charred corpse in many decorations. There was even a flag. Remember the flags on Cooking Mama when you decorate a cake? I put one of them on my body, but instead of it just appearing, it got shoved into my body, making a hole in it. I smothered my body in cream, so you couldn't see it anymore. I put some ketchup on it (horrible mixture) and then some fruits, then pressed "Done". Then Mama walked from the top screen to the bottom screen and looked at my body. Then she looked at the real life me. Then she began to speak.

"Now, that wasn't enjoyable, was it? I hope you suffered. I can tell you did by what you currently look like. I must go now. This cartridge will become corrupt and will cease to function."

Mama was right. The DS came off and the cartridge stopped working. I ran and shoved the DS into the bin. I thought the DS might have become cursed or something.

Pasta Player: Companion Cube

It's common knowledge that they put the Companion Cube in "Portal" to make players carry the cube through that whole stage instead of leaving it behind. What most people don't know is that isn't the only the thing the developers added due to beta-tester behavior.

I'm speaking, of course, of the so-called "ratman dens": certain, out-of-the-way areas in the game where it looks to the player as if the previous runner through GLaDOS's tests holed up and began living life anew. The dens mainly consist of pictures and insane messages, scribbled over and over again, mainly "The cake is a lie". These were added late in development.

The areas were initially nothing more than small, barely textured bits of space that playtesters would get themselves into with a little fiddling. Once these small, unremarkable spaces were reached, the beta-testers who got there would begin acting odd.

The first man they found was sitting on the floor, curled up in a fetal position over his controller. When asked what the matter was, he started shouting nonsense and tried to kill the guard who escorted him out of the building.

The next person, a woman, took it a step further. Security rushed into the room when they heard screaming. The tester had cut deep gashes into her arms and was bleeding on the floor, twitching violently. They took her to the hospital, where she made a full recovery without memory of the incident.

The third person just stopped. He stopped playing, stopped moving, even stopped speaking. He went completely catatonic. His family tried to sue the company, but they didn't have a strong enough case. The developers, by this point, were obviously very concerned, but what could they do? Video games don't drive people crazy.

It took a murder for them to change the areas.

Although the last tester seemed fine, the developers only found out about what happened when they got a call from the police. The last tester had forced his youngest daughter into an oven and burned her to death; the word "cake" was writen all over her charred corpse in permanent marker.

It IS worth noting, however, that the Companion Cube as we know it was added later, after the beta test. All testers have exhibited the same odd behavior; at first catatonic, then fledgmatic, and then increasingly more and more violent over time.

A later symptom developed as well: an extreme sense of pyromania. Whether oven, campfire, or a simple match, it always led to getting too close to fire and burning. In the end, Valve discovered a way to prevent these things.

While originally, in the beta, you left the cube in an air vent and moved on to the next chamber, now, you must burn the cube. You burn your friend. The vent is still there, though. Hiding, under a wall of pixels, waiting to be rediscovered.

Guess what happens if you find the vent, and DON'T burn the Companion Cube?

Pasta Player: Grand Theft Auto SA - The Serial Killer

"God! It's a windy day!" I said, turning on his PlayStation 2. "I think I'm going to play some Grand Theft Auto! San Andreas Style!" I placed the disc in the tray and reset the PS2. I went to go get a snack. When I came back, the game already started. But CJ was in Tierra Roba, which was in San Fierro. His safehouse was in Ganton. "Weird. Oh well," I thought to myself. I continued to play, stealing cars and causing mayhem, but it seemed CJ couldn't leave Tierra Roba, which caused the cops to kill him.

CJ respawned in the middle of a construction site. There was one pedestrian there. He looked like the picture above. I walked over to him. He started to mumble something then eventually walked away. I followed the man. I took forever until he reached the Mass Grave in Bone County. He got inside a Bobcat placed by the grave. I got in to steal the car. I thought it would be funny. However, I didn't steal the car. Instead, I got in the passenger seat and sat there. He started to drive.

He was speeding down the desert. Then he got out. I went in the driver seat and drove away. I drove away because it started to get creepy. The pedestrian talked the whole way. He kept repeating, 'Soon my friend. Soon.' He pulled out a gun and shot out my tires. It only took 2 Shots. I couldn't drive and bailed. The ped started to shoot me, then killed me.

I spawned in the construction site. The man was standing there, but now there were peds walking around him. He was provoking all of them but getting in the fist stance. I started to laugh, but right when I started the game crashed. There was a terrible screeching sound. There was also text on the screen saying, 'SOON MY FRIEND. SOON.' My PlayStation 2 turned off. I huddled in a blanket on the couch scared for my life.

A few years have passed since the incident and I haven't played San Andreas since. I went on the internet and searched 'Grand Theft Auto San Andreas Myths,' because I knew that this was probably a myth. I found on The GTA Wiki a page called Serial Killer. Everything I saw was right. People believe that he had something to do with the Mass Grave, the provoking of peds, killing random peds.

I rushed downstairs. I couldn't find my GTA game. I just turned on the PS2. San Andreas started up as soon I started my PS2. The Serial Killer was shooting me, but there was realistic blood. He kept saying "ONE OF THEM" over and over until CJ died. The game crashed. The screen had blood red text, barely legible saying, 'THE END.' The game then turned back on. I spawned in Ganton and everything was normal. I never saw The Serial Killer again.