The worst car accident I’ve ever been in before last month was when I was thirteen. My father was taking us to a local steakhouse for dinner when someone rear-ended our car. It was jarring, and we all yelled, but only out of surprise and momentary fear, not because we were hurt. Within thirty minutes we were back on our way to the restaurant, those few seconds of uncertainty and worry left behind us on the road.
When the truck hit us last week, it was entirely different. Our SUV took the hit well all things considered, but the truck weighed twice as much as we did and was t-boning us at a high speed. I was driving, with Teddy in the passenger seat per usual. Heckle and Jeckle, just recently repaired from their bloody work at the Rajah theater, were sitting silent in the back seat, also per usual.
What was not usual was suddenly having the road flip away from us like a page in a pop-up children’s story book. I actually noticed that before my body registered the impact and the world-filling noise of the truck slamming into us hard enough to send us rolling off the road and down the embankment to our right. I saw the world spin once, twice, and Teddy was yelling something to the magpie twins, but it was too late. My world was already being replaced by darkness.
I couldn’t have been out more than a few seconds, but when I came to Heckle was pulling me free from the car. My vision was blurry, but I managed to focus in on the sound of Teddy’s voice, his ill-defined shape standing some distance away between me and the group assembled up at the top of the hill.
“…go with you, but you leave her alone. Unless you want to see how difficult I can really be.”
The people he was talking to were little more than dark silhouettes to my bleary eyes—a fact not helped by the deepening blue of twilight. But the laugh of one of them was more easy to define. Distinctly feminine, disdainful, and cruel.
“You’re not in a position to make threats, Mr. Westgate. Surely you understand who we represent?”
I saw Uncle Teddy take a couple of steps forward. “Half of you look like undertaker bodybuilders. The other half look like someone put an all-you-can-eat buffet at a death metal concert. So I’m guessing you’re all douchebags working for the Blind Court. Putting your peanut butter and jelly of physical and magical violence together to try and make a threatening sandwich.”
The woman’s voice was colder this time. “Cute. We’ll see how cute you are when…” Her words were cut off as Jeckle thundered past Teddy and was up the hill in a second. I saw the person I thought was the woman who’d been talking dive out of the way, but she wasn’t fast enough.
Jeckle grabbed her left arm and yanked her back close enough that he could get a grip on her left leg as well. Then, with what seemed like very little effort at all, he began to shake her against the ground like an old blanket while she screamed. The noise she made was strange, seeming to come in waves as she went up and down, stopping briefly as she struck the ground before renewing in a more pathetic, wetter form. By the fourth time against the ground, she was silent. By the sixth, her arm and leg had come off in Jeckle’s massive hands. I could make out him looking at the freed appendages with what I imagined was bemusement before casually dropping them and walking back down to stand by Teddy’s side.
“Now who wants to be the new spokesperson?” Teddy’s voice was light, but underneath ran a thread of danger that made me suppress a shudder. Still, what was he talking about? Letting them take him? Fuck that.
I went to stand up but realized for the first time that my left arm, which had been numb, was starting to throb painfully now. Looking down at it, I blinked when I realized it was at an odd angle. Fuck. I don’t have time for this. Resigning myself to sitting up, I yelled hoarsely to Teddy.
“You’re not going with them. What’re you talking about?”
My vision was clearing somewhat, and I could see Teddy’s face when he turned around. He was angry and sad, but he was scared too. He wasn’t going to show that to them, but he let it slip for a second when he looked at me. “Cora, don’t argue with me.” He gestured back at the people up the hill, most of whom were standing in mute shock as they listened to us bicker or picked pieces of their cohort off themselves. “Yes, we could kill them. They’re clearly incompetent. But what about the next group? Or the next group after that? The Blind Court isn’t incompetent, and they’ll eventually send someone that beats us. At least this way I know you’re safe.”
I could feel my eyes starting to fill with tears. He was serious. “No. That’s bullshit. We can beat them. We can beat all of them.”
Teddy gave me a sad smile and shook his head. “No. You can’t beat everybody. The key is knowing when to fight and when not to.” He looked back up the hill. “Do we have a deal, or will I have to make this offer to whoever they send next?”
A short, heavily-muscled man with a silvery crewcut stepped forward and nodded. “Deal. Come with us and the rest can go.”
Teddy nodded. “Just a moment and I’ll be ready.” Turning back to me, I saw his own eyes were shining in the lights from the car. “I’m so proud of you, Cora. So happy we had this time together. But you need to remember what I would want you to do. I would never risk you to save myself. I don’t want you wasting time boxing at shadows. And it may be tempting to look up some of my old contacts for leads, but it would be a waste of good currency that is better used elsewhere. Honest Abe, I’m telling you the truth. Spend that beast where it’s actually of use. Ok?”
I stared at him. “What the fuck are you talking about? And by the way, you risk me to save yourself on the reg.”
He rolled his eyes and spoke in an irritated whisper. “I was trying to be cleverly cryptic. I see now that my nuanced coded message was lost on you. Look in the devil pig, okay? And fast is better.” I was going to ask another question, but he raised his hand to stop me. “Everything I said was true. Love you.” Wiping at his eyes, he turned and walked up toward his captors.
I looked at Heckle and Jeckle. “Go get him back. Kill the rest of them.” They started lurching forward immediately, but Teddy turned and shook his head. The golems immediately stopped again.
“No. You stay with her and protect her. Don’t listen to her until I’m gone with them. After that, you only listen to her.” He looked over at the nearby group of what I could now tell looked like a mixed bag of mercenaries and occultists—all of who were giving him a wide berth now. “And if anyone tries to mess with her, ever, you fucking tear them apart.” He gave me a little wave before glancing down at Crew-cut. “Lead the way.”
I yelled after him, but it did no good. Jeckle picked me up gently, and after waiting a few moments for them to leave with Teddy, they began walking with me toward what Heckle told me in his clipped fashion was the nearest hospital. I wondered how they knew where they were going and contemplated if magpies had good senses of direction. They walked at a steady but fast pace along the road as it began to drizzle and then pour. I didn’t care. I felt exhausted. Used up. So I lay my head against Jeckle’s chest and let my tears mix in with the falling rain as we traveled through the dark.
Two hours later and I was back at Teddy’s house. The hospital had wanted me to stay longer, but I had no time to waste. My arm wasn’t going to be less broken because I sat through more of their bullshit, and I had to find out what Teddy was trying to tell me.
I knew what he meant by ‘devil pig’. He had a massive ceramic boar with large stag horns growing out of its head in his bedroom. It was so hideous that it kind of circled back around to being cute. When I got back home and went to get it, I realized it had two other traits I hadn’t noticed before. First, it was very heavy—I was barely able to carry it with my one good arm. Second, it had a large slit opening in the middle of its back.
It was a piggy bank.
I looked for another opening, but there was none. Hoping I was doing the right thing, I scooped the devil pig off the table it was sitting on and lugged it over to the stone fireplace. It broke cleanly into two pieces when I dropped it, and I felt confusion and worry when I saw what had been inside.
It was tumerin. The evil-looking boar had been filled to the brim with hundreds of the dark, oblong-shaped coins that had once served as the currency of infernal Hell. But how were they useful now? And how did it help me know what to do next?
I sucked in a breath as I saw a slip of paper sticking out of one of the scattered piles of coins. Pulling it free, I saw it was a note written in Teddy’s handwriting. It said:
People I trust (in the order that I trust them):
1. Cora (imagine a smiley-faced emoji)
2. Abraham McMillen (a dark practitioner, but not like the ones we’re after. Plus, he owes me. But, still watch him.)
3. Olivia Height (a good person. If things go wrong, find her and she can help hide you. Otherwise, she should be kept out of this. She doesn’t have the stomach for it.)
Below you will find their contact information. If the Blind Court has me, I don’t know how time works there, so be quick. I do have a plan, but it’s somewhat improvisational, as all my best plans are. And I still need your help, so do your best.
For inspiration, I have included a quote from thasong you continue to play despite my very subtle hints that it is abhorrent.
”Because baby you’re a firework. Come on show them what you’re worth.”
May Ms. Perry’s words inspire you to get me the fuck out of here.
Love,
Teddy
I hit the buzzer for the third time. I was outside of an older townhouse apartment in Boston, but it was in good condition and I had no illusions that the buzzer or intercom didn’t work. Either “Honest Abe” wasn’t there or he was ignoring me, and I had a feeling I knew which. Pressing down the intercom button again, I leaned close to keep my voice low.
“Listen, Mr. McMillen. You can hang up when I call, you can try to ignore me now, but I’m going to get your help. Teddy said you were one of his only real friends.”
There was a crackle and then a deep voice with a faint Scottish accent came over the intercom. “That’s a lie. He doesn’t have friends. He has people he still thinks are useful and those he’s already used up. You’d do well to steer clear of him and whatever deviltry he’s gotten into this time.”
I thumbed the button again. “That may be, but he’s my uncle. And maybe he’s not your friend, but he does think he can trust you to help. And since you’re kind of only my only option, I’m asking for you to please let me up.”
Crackle. “You’re not listening, girl. I’m not interested in you or him. Sorry you wasted your time.”
Gritting my teeth, I stabbed my finger at the button. “Listen, motherfucker. I hope you like your shitty apartment, because you’re going to be in there a long time. And when you finally get sick of it and come out, I’ll still be here waiting. And if you still decide you don’t want to help me, you’ll fucking find out what happens when I don’t have a use for you any more.”
There was a pause and then: “Jesus. Okay. You really are his niece, fuck. Come on up.”
The door buzzed and I went through it, Heckle following dutifully behind me. I don’t blame the golems for what happened next. Heckle was focused on me and any threats ahead, and Jeckle was back at the car around the corner. Neither of them noticed the smoky form that followed us inside the townhouse anymore than I did. None of us realized the death that had been stalking me for some time.
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Credits
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