What would you do if you could be invisible?
Would you walk around naked ALL THE TIME?
I did that for a while. It was alright. A little chilly, though.
Would you stalk your celebrity crush and maybe get your own private celebrity sex tape?
Don't lie. You totally would. And I did.
Would you steal? Would you kill? Would you travel the world and see everything?
How much depraved shit can you think of? Or would you use your power for good, instead of evil?
Liar.
I was born with the gift of invisibility. Or I guess you could call it a curse, depending on how you look at it.
At first I didn’t realize my power. It bothered me for a long time.
I would be standing there with a group of friends, talking about sports or music or whatever, and then suddenly they wouldn’t see me anymore.
No matter what I said or did, they would just ignore me. Even my words didn’t register, as if I were speaking into a void.
My parents did it too.
I’d be in the car with them or around the dinner table having a conversation, when suddenly it was like I didn’t exist. My parents would talk back and forth about their day and when I told them about something exciting that had happened at school, they would just ignore me.
In class, I’d put up my hand and the teacher’s eyes would skip over me, only to ask someone else for the answer.
Girls ignored me. Guys ignored me. I couldn’t make new friends, no matter how hard I tried.
Our family moved to another city the year I started high school and the problem became even worse. The friends I had made as a little kid were no longer around, and I was alone all the time. That was around when I realized what was happening.
I was turning invisible.
It wasn’t happening all the time, but it was occurring more and more frequently as I got older, and as I became more shy and introverted. I was scared to get to know anyone, scared to talk to anyone. All I could think about was the fact that if I did make a new friend, they were going to start ignoring me at some point, and I would be alone again.
So I just wandered the hallways during lunch hour at school, feeling alone and invisible.
I got through high school and college, blending in with the walls and getting more lonely by the day. I was terrified of forced socialization via any group projects that were presented to us. The idea of interacting with other human beings on a face-to-face level was becoming more and more scary to me.
Part of me felt like I might become invisible and never be seen again, forced to wander the earth as a ghost for the rest of my days. Every time I disappeared I was sure I would stay that way. And it was never voluntary.
But every time I disappeared I became visible again later on. The worst part was I couldn’t tell when it was happening. I could always see myself, no matter what.
After college I landed a job which didn’t require me to interact with anyone, except occasionally with coworkers and my boss. Most of my conversations happened through email, and even those were ignored half the time.
Even as an adult nobody talked to me in the office or invited me for drinks with the gang after work. Meetings proceeded without me and people walked past my desk every morning without saying hello, as if I didn’t exist.
A while back, the thing I’d been fearing most finally happened.
My boss called my cell phone in the middle of the workday. I missed the call since I had it on vibrate, and looked down to see the notification on my phone.
I was about to go into his office to talk to him when he came out and began to yell loudly, “Where’s Jordan? Has anybody seen him? Every time I need his help with something he’s nowhere to be found!”
He sounded angry.
I stood up and raised my hand.
“I’m right here, Mr. Jacobson. What did you need my help with?”
Nobody heard me.
Another coworker, a man named Bret who had always had it out for me, stood up and began to complain about my “absence” as well.
“I’m not sure where he is, sir. Every time I look over at his desk he’s conspicuously absent. I was gonna say something to you but I don’t like to complain about my coworkers. This is getting ridiculous, though.”
Mr. Jacobson shook his head, muttering under his breath, and marched back towards his office.
“One more phone call. If he doesn’t pick up this time I’m firing his ass!”
I hurried after him, leaving my phone at my desk.
“Sir, wait! Please! I’m right here!”
He slammed the door in my face. I tried the door knob but it was locked. I knocked and yelled but he didn’t answer.
When I got back to my desk, there was another voicemail waiting for me. This one saying I was fired for my unexplained absences from work.
There seemed no point in trying to stop it from happening. I just packed up my things silently and left.
Nobody noticed.
The periods of invisibility grew longer and longer, until finally I came to realize that I could only be seen one day a year.
For the rest of the year - all 364 days - I was a ghost.
It was always the same day, and it was easy enough to remember.
My birthday.
It made sense.
People noticed me on that day and remembered me, even if it was just for 24 hours.
I’d get a call from my parents and a few Facebook messages, but that was about it. Still, it felt nice to exist again.
I didn’t have a job anymore so I had to start getting creative with ways to make money. I still needed to pay my bills and buy groceries.
It helped that nobody could see me. That made the next part easier.
Those first few times hopping the counter at the bank were nerve-racking. My heart was racing and I was just waiting for someone to start yelling at me, threatening to call the cops. But after I’d done it about ten times it felt more or less like going to the grocery store.
I’d just jump over the counter and grab a stack of bills from a teller’s drawer when they weren’t paying attention.
The second I touched the bills it was like they didn’t exist anymore, and the bank tellers didn’t even notice them leaving the drawers.
Part of me didn't mind stealing from banks, since they took money from customers all the time without apology, but I didn't want to steal from a mom and pop store or a grocery store. I wanted to be normal as much as possible. Besides, I was having fun with bank robberies in broad daylight. There was a thrill in taking money from the bank, right in front of the teller's eyes.
That feeling was a rush and pretty soon I was chasing that feeling all the time.
Finding expensive merchandise to steal was easy. And stealing it was even easier. But you realize pretty quickly that possessions are hollow and meaningless when you can have anything you want at a whim.
I took cars from big dealerships - Porsche, Ferrari, BMW, Lamborghini, Mercedes, you name it, but driving wasn't a great idea in my condition. I got into a lot of car accidents. People never saw me coming.
And it's no fun driving a sports car if you can't drive it fast, believe me.
Somewhere along the line, I must have drawn attention to myself. Because one night as I was walking home I saw someone standing on the sidewalk in front of my house, waiting for me.
The man was wearing a black trenchcoat and a fedora. He had sunglasses on despite the darkness.
I slowed my approach when I saw him, but felt drawn towards him, like a magnet.
“So you’re the one I’ve been hearing so much about,” he said, seeing me despite my invisibility. “The one who’s been causing so much trouble. Drawing so much attention to us.”
“You can see me,” I said, surprised. “How can you see me?”
“Because I’m just like you,” he answered. “I'm a shadow. And so are they.”
From all around me came shapes from the darkness. Some of them were people, but others were really just like shadows, barely tangible in the night.
They grabbed hold of my arms and legs, tightening their grips on me as I screamed. It felt like I was being mugged by a pack of boa constrictors.
“Shhhh, shh, shh,” the man said, putting a finger to my lips, silencing my screams. “Nobody can hear you except for us.”
“Who are you?” I asked nervously, my heart pounding, looking around at their faces - some were featureless and without form.
“We’re the same as you. And we’re here to teach you how to be a better shadow. How to remain unseen. You’ve been too blatant in your movements, and people are starting to notice you. The tellers at the bank are finding cash missing at the end of the day, and the grocery store owner is wondering why nobody notices the mysterious customer who leaves a pile of cash after shopping - like a ghost is visiting his store.”
“What do you want me to do?” I asked. “I can’t work. I need to get food somewhere!”
“No, you don’t. You’re a shadow, remember? Shadows don’t eat. They don't drive BMWs. And they don’t visit the bank. You’re not being a very good shadow. That’s why we’re here to teach you.”
They began to press in tighter all around me and I felt myself being compressed like a lump of coal being turned into a diamond. I was shrinking into the ground, becoming flattened, and at the same time losing some essential essence of myself. I felt like my personality was being compressed, like my soul was being photocopied into a lower resolution version of itself.
I became a sliver. And then even less than that.
Never in my life had I felt so afraid, so unsure.
And then finally all I could see was the figures looming over me, towering high above me from my insectile vantage point.
I was nothing more than a shadow on the sidewalk to them. And to everyone else as well.
“There, that’s better. Now you’re a proper shadow.”
The group of them disappeared and I found myself alone again. Terrified.
Being a shadow has not been anywhere near as nice as being invisible. I got into all sorts of trouble when I was invisible, let me tell you. I had a lot of fun.
I got into a LOT of depraved mischief.
In retrospect, I’m not that surprised I got caught. I'm more shocked at how it happened. And the consequences of my actions were very unexpected.
It’s a pretty terrible punishment, being made into a shadow. Especially since shadows never die. They don’t have a lifespan or anything like a normal person, or even like an invisible person.
Still, once a year on my birthday I become tangible again.
I get to see my family and I get to breathe the fresh air and eat food and drink wine and I get to be a person again.
Today and only today.
I find myself taking more advantage of life than I used to. I go to see my parents on my birthday these days. I visit my old friends. I go to the park and say hello to perfect strangers as I walk around in the sunshine.
Only real people can enjoy the sunshine - shadows never get to feel it.
Tomorrow I’ll be a shadow again, and it’s a very cold life.
But for now I’ll enjoy the warmth of the sun.
Even if it's only for a little while.
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