Hello, Reddit! My name is Travis Smith. I know it feels weird reading this advertisment on this subreddit, but I figured the NoSleep community would be intrigued about my services.
I don’t wanna sound blunt but let’s get straight to the point. I know every answer to any problem you ask me. Anything! I know it sounds crazy. Believe me, I thought I was going insane the first time but this is a legit thing. You can ask me anything in my private messages or even in the comments and I’ll give you a definitive answer in about a day or so. The time could vary from problem to problems depending on how big the question is but trust that you’ll receive an answer in a reasonable period of time.
Do you think your wife/husband is cheating on you? I can answer that in about a day! Do you want to know if ypur children are hiding something from you? I can give you a response in about 2 hours! Do you want to know who sabotaged your work in the office just because that person hates you? Give me a day and you’ll know! This offer covers absolutely anything you can think of or I’ll tell you otherwise!
So, let’s get on to my credentials. How can you know I’m telling the truth and this is a legit offer? I’ll tell you the story of how I came about this certain superpower. I just hope that this doesn’t get taken down because of this particular explanation. Setting up a business venture of this kind can be overwhelming and my background upon this offer can be somewhat unbelievable, but considering everything going through this subreddit, I trust that the community would take this seriously. After all, it’s not like I’m mad or something, right? Take my word for it.
So my little story starts a years ago, in the woods behind my house. The woods were kind of like my thinking chamber. You see, I was there for maybe the same reason you’re still reading this. I had a problem that I needed answering. The problem, secret, whatever you wanna call it stemmed from the only place worse than fucking hell.
You can swear in advertisments, right? First time doing this.
Anyway, the office place. Yeah, that’s what I was talking about. I wanted to figure out who was the fucking bastard that spiked my coffee. I was assessing everyone in my workplace for a possible suspect and then plan a retaliation, as you do in these situations, when I heard it. A voice near me, filled with anticipation and purpose. A single crow perched itself on a branch beside me.
And it spoke.
It presented itself, as the “All-Knowing Crow” and it told me that he knows the answer to my problem and he could tell me for a thing in return.
Blood.
“Just a drop for your problem.” It said, explaining his bargain. Oddly enough, I believed him. Grabbing a broken branch and piercing my finger with it, I drew blood on myself. There wasn’t even a single moment of doubt. I knew he was telling the truth. My gut and my mind told me that. As a drop of blood fell onto the ground, it whispered a name in my ear.
Jack Silvans.
The asshole seated two stalls to my left. The asshole who gave me a knowing glare everytime I tried to strike up conversation. The asshole by the name of Jack Silvans.
The fucking asshole.
That night, I was itching to get back at him. I didn’t sleep that night. My live-in partner lay beside me(it’s a long story), sleeping, but not me. I counted the hours, the minutes, the seconds, until sunrise came. After my morning routine, I proceeded to work. The first thing I did when I got there was look for him. I had planned out everything I would do to him during the night. His mere presence fueled my anger. I walked up to him, grabbed his neatly iron polo and punched him straight at the face. I wasn’t going to be polite or anything. The damn bastard pissed me off. I accused him of the coffee. Of course, he wouldn’t tell the truth, as all guilty men do. If you did something bad, would you admit that you did it? Of course not!
I punched him again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again until my coworkers stopped me. I was kicked out of the office that day and lost the job but I didn’t care. I laughed and laughed because of it. The burst of satisfaction and adrenaline. I think I broke his nose. I mean, there was a lot, and I mean a lot of blood but it’s just a broken nose. No big deal. I felt good. So good, in fact, that I went for ice cream right after. Tried to, anyway. The waitress wouldn’t want to let me in because of the amount of blood in my shirt. I decided to go home and change. After that, I went back to the woods and called for the crow. It perched itself beside me and asked about what happened. I told him everything and he approved. I decided to take the crow, in case I needed it again. I caged it up and proceeded to watch television until my partner and her kids got home.
I broke the news with them, thinking they’d share my happiness, too, but I was wrong. Sharon(my live-in partner) was completely furious. She said that I gave up a sustaining job because I couldn’t control my temper. I didn’t tell her about the crow, though, figured she would steal it and use it for her own.
This thing went on for weeks. We would always end up to an argument whenever we talked. She thinks I’m worthless and a total piece of shit, that I should just fucking die so she could forget that she ever met me. She told me that she’d rather die than marry me once the divorce papers were arranged. Well, not that specifically but that was definitely what she meant. I figured these were all just excuses for the real problem.
She was cheating on me.
It wasn’t a pretty hard thing to notice. When a woman cheats, she can’t hide it. I decided to consult my trusty crow for it. I had already cut my finger before I asked it but it said that it wasn’t enough. Most big problems, like this, required a higher price.
More blood.
I had to get rid of the dog just to get my answer. After I cleaned up and buried the body, I approached it again and asked the same question.
“Yes.” The crow said. My blood immediately boiled. No one cheats on me. No one. And so I waited until she came home and beat the shit out of her until she didn’t breathe anymore. She didn’t even admit it and they made me even more mad. The kids, though, saw everything. They cried and cried and cried. I told them to shut up but they wouldn’t. Big mistake. They never stopped crying until they drowned in their own blood.
After I cleaned up, I dumped parts of them in the river, and the others parts I buried deep in the woods. It was a shame, their blood could’ve been useful for another time.
Why am I telling you all this? Because this way, you’ll know I am telling the truth. I’ve done all of this because I’ve put my faith on my little pet. Ask me anything and I’ll answer it correctly. This story proves that I’m not just some batshit crazy person who had nothing better to do in their life than to troll people in the internet.
For all the skeptics there, take my word for it. My crow is very much real. It’s powers is also very real. I have proven this to be the case time and time again but will not add it here as this advertisment is getting a bit too long. For all of you also asking how this could be, I’ve tried asking the crow about how all of this is possible and it has given me ideas but for the sake of professionalism and a short read, I’m choosing not to add them here, but if you are interested, you can ask me in the comments below. Free of charge!
For all the believers out there, thank you. As per my original offer, you can ask anything in the comments and I’ll answer it eventually. I trust that you also recognize and are okay with my work ethic. Although it may seem “messy” at times, I clean up well after, and that’s just depending on how big the problem is.
I haven’t really thought of the way of payment for this, so I’ll update you all on how to pay me if you ever dive into my services. Maybe through online payment or a bank deposit, I don’t know.
Thank you for taking your time to read this advertisment! I hope to hear from this community soon. My crow sends his regards.
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