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Dear Diary,

That's how you're meant to start these things right? I have never kept a journal before, nor do I want to, but the hospital said I have to as part of my 'treatment plan'. Funny.

Let me back track a little.

I have always been overweight, from being a child. I went to a strict Christian school, and luckily because of this I was never bullied because of my size- but you always notice the other kids staring.

It got worse as I got older, I just seemed to expand in all directions except the one way I wanted. So not only am I fat, but also very short. You can imagine this didn't do too much for my self esteem.

Because of my size, I've always hated gym class at school. Firstly there's the undressing in front of the other beautiful, skinny girls who always glance over at me. God, this is embarrassing to write. I could feel my whole body flare red as I felt their eyes on me. Then there was the exercise itself. I'd get awful chest pains, and couldn't run more than around a hundred metres, and wouldn't even attempt real team games- no one would pick me anyway.

I tried diets. Every single diet you can imagine: Atkins, cabbage soup, 5:2... You name it, I've tried it. But they never work, I always end up caving and getting bigger.

Things got really bad 2 years ago. I got really bad chest pains and was rushed to hospital- doctors said my weight was at a dangerous level, and that my heart was suffering, I had to change my ways. My parents begged me to change, bought all the right foods, even watched me at meal times. But did I change? Nope. Still the fat glutton I've always been.

I got bigger. I know what you're thinking, why? Why do this to yourself? Why put not only yourself but also your parents through this? Well, Diary, I'll tell you. IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE ZERO SELF CONTROL, OBVIOUSLY. Fuck. I hate myself. I can feel my rolls. I hate going clothes shopping. Nothing suits me. Sometimes I just sit in bed and cry at how little control I have over my life.


Sorry Diary, forgot to date it last time, but it's been about 3 weeks. I got put in hospital again with chest pains. Doctors told me off, I saw psychologists about my weight problem. Other than that, nothing much to report... still a fatty. Always will be probably! I'll update you when I've lost a few pounds... we may be a while.


Hello people of Reddit.

I am the father of Ella, the writer of this diary. My family are devastated and going through a very difficult time at the moment, as my daughter passed away last week.

She had suffered with Anorexia Nervosa for many years, and in the end her heart couldn't cope anymore, and gave up. It is clear reading her diary, which I did not know she kept until I had the opportunity to look in her bedroom, that she had severe body dysmorphia, believing she was actually overweight.

She was 60lbs exactly when she died.

It was a hard decision to make, but I decided to post this diary for others out there who are either suffering themselves with this disease or know somebody that is.

Sometimes, you just can't see the forest for the trees.

by reddit user kateshakes via:


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